Through the magic of profiling, I already know you want to smack this cup right the fuck out of my hands and across the room.ĭr. Seriously, it makes “Three’s Company” look like improv. Alternatively, seeing The Team, the UNSUB flees, a ridiculous chase scene ensues, and the UNSUB is killed (66.7%) or captured (33.3%). Then, either the UNSUB is killed (66.7%) or captured (33.3%).
Much like those choose-your-own-adventures from middle school, the episode generally goes in one of two directions: The evildoer is usually caught with a would-be victim, at which point one member of the team (are you guessing the one with the personal problem? I don’t want to keep seeing the same hands) has to “talk down” the criminal to get the victim to safety. The team speeds away and finds the UNSUB. They now call upon their Tech Analyst Penelope Garcia (who mostly stays in Quantico surrounded by a bank of computers) to “Find someone matching these Extremely Specific Characteristics, Penelope! Time is running out!” And, of course, as fast as she can type, Penelope (“hacking” databases that would be patently illegal IRL) finds the UNSUB’s name, age, address, psych history, tattoos, meds, high school class rank, favourite Rolling Stones tune, the names and manufacturers of all his stuffed animals–oh, and she’ll triangulate his cell phone and find him, too. Now, suddenly, they KNOW that the UNSUB (perpetrator) has Extremely Specific Characteristics. Some team member, usually the one who had the personal problem, realises “Something’s missing from the Profile!” Something happens–usually a new crime scene, sometimes a suspect. Then Agent Hotchner, the tight-assed Special Agent in Charge, intones, “It’s time to deliver the Profile.” They then deliver a “profile” notable for its vagueness. Some agents visit the crime scene, others the cops, others the coroner. Every other episode (at least), Agent Derek Morgan (Shemar Moore) says, “He’s a sexual sadist.” Somebody on “The Team” has a personal problem that will somehow lead to an epiphany about the crime. No time to waste, they board the jet and talk about the “UNSUB”–Unknown Subject, or the criminal. After ten seasons the formula is well established: They get a “case,” usually out of the fifth dimension and bearing no resemblance to any crime that has happened anywhere, at any time, in recorded history. The show purports to be about the FBI’s Behavioural Analysis Unit’s (BAU) Most Elite Team of Criminal Profilers, who jet (literally–the Feebs provide them with a private jet) from one bizarre “crime” to the next. Ten seasons of complete idiocy have gone by it looks like there’ll be more. (I’ll add “one of the stupidest” because, after all, it’s up against some very stiff competition, like “The Following”–another show that features “profiling.”) It’s also, in a sneaky way, a very sick, dangerous show. If there’s one phrase that gets on my nerves like nails on a blackboard, it’s: “That’s not funny, it’s sick.” I mean, for fuck’s sake, how little imagination can one have to not realize both can be true, and indeed, often the “sickest” things are the funniest? Which brings us to Criminal Minds, the sickest, and funniest, show on network TV. “Yes, well not everyone believes in what you do, either.” –A psychic, to one of the CM profilers “Everything which is not forbidden is compulsory.” –Attributed to T.H. Criminal Minds Review: The Best Comedy on Television, And Here’s My Card
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